Day 12 – nearly there!!

So it has been far longer between posts than I had intended but a head cold has had me stuck on the couch feeling miserable this week and I have not had the energy to open up my laptop. Thankfully feeling a little more human today and hopefully it will have completely passed by the time we get around to doing a transfer.

So.. this cycle has been different to my others in a good way (other than the sickness). On day 2 I had an Elonva injection which is a long acting FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) which meant I didn’t need to do any more injections until day 6! It was a weird feeling knowing we had started a full IVF stim cycle and yet I was cruising along and not having the daily reminder of injections. I had a nasty headache the day I had the Elonva injection but otherwise was pretty good. Apparently the headache is a common side effect and if I have to go with this cycle again I will know to expect that. Otherwise I felt pretty good. I had a lovely little ‘staycation’ weekend with my husband in Melbourne which was really chilled and relaxing. We wandered the city, enjoyed great food and had a lovely night in a hotel, followed up by the Van Gogh exhibition at the National Gallery of Victoria.  Other than having to do a quick pit stop for an Orgalutran injection after dinner it was a really nice little break away.

Monday morning I had my first scan for this cycle. I had an absolute night-mare getting there as there was a fault with the train lines and had to drive an extra long way around to get there resulting in me being 40mins late to the appointment. My husband knows how stressful this was for me given I am the person who is 10 minutes early for everything. At least the doctor got caught in the traffic jam too and was also late so it wasn’t so much of a big deal. The scan showed 8 healthy little follicles (5 on the right and 3 on the left) all at approximately 8mm. This was a great result + my lining was sitting at 5mm which is normal for this stage of the cycle. Monday night was the start of 3 injections per day!!! 150 units of Gonal F, 300 units of Menopur and 250 units of Orgalutran. Ouch!!

Along came Tuesday morning and I woke up feeling terrible with a nasty head cold. I wen’t into work thinking I could brave it but after 2 hours went home to bed. My puppy was thrilled to have a snuggle buddy even if I wasn’t great company. I dragged myself out of bed Wednesday morning still feeling terrible. I cancelled work for the day but still had to drive 20mins to go in for my scan appointment. This was now day 10 and again things were looking good. The top up of Menopur and Gonal F had me now sitting at 10 follicles of around 13mm and lining of 6.4mm. I was thrilled my lining was continuing to thicken and we are heading in the right direction! Egg Pick Up booked for Monday morning.

Wednesday and Thursday brought more time on the couch trying to get better. The hardest part is not being able to take any medications for my cold and just having to ride it out. I would normally pop some cold and flu tablets and just keep soldiering on but I have had to listen to my body and take it easy.

Back to work today and looking forward to Egg Pick Up on Monday. The pressure to get a few eggs is slightly reduced knowing we have one little embryo in the freezer but I would so love to get a few more to add into the mix. Fingers crossed we can go ahead with a transfer mid to late next week and have another shot at this pregnancy business! Feeling confident and relaxed at this stage but I know the nerves will kick in as we get closer to Monday. I have to remember there is nothing I can do other than relax and trust the experts to do their job. It’s all out of my control now!

Celebrating Mums when you so desperately want to be one.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and it was one of those really bitter sweet days. While I love my mum to pieces and it was so lovely to shower her with the love she deserves, it’s another reminder of something you so desperately want but just can’t seem to grab hold of.

We started the day with the Mother’s Day Classic, a 4km walk around Melbourne’s gardens to help raise money for breast cancer research and celebrate our beautiful Mums. My mother-in-law is one of the lucky ones who managed to beat breast cancer so it’s a special day for her to help acknowledge the help and support she received and to remember those who were unable to fight off the big C. It was a glorious morning with the sun shining and while it was a cool 6 degrees Celsius I was warmed by the love around me in the crowd. I was lucky enough to walk alongside my husband, my mum and dad, my mother-in-law and her husband and 2 of my sisters-in-law and one of their husbands. It was a beautiful positive start to the day. When then had breakfast out with my parents and enjoyed a great catch up over yummy food.

I had decided on a social media ban for the day knowing seeing many of my friends sharing photos of their first mother’s days would be difficult for me. I broke the ban to quickly post a few pictures from our walk in the morning and then logged out again. I did however receive a beautiful message from one of my mum’s friends (practically an aunt to me) saying she was thinking of me which was so kind of her. She had her own struggle to fall pregnant over 30 years ago and knows how hard these moments are. It was a really sweet gesture.

In the afternoon we headed to my sister-in-law’s new house to celebrate with all of my husband’s extended family. It was a little awkward when his grandma came around with little posy’s of flowers for all the mums and came up to me and said ‘Oops! Your not a mum are you!’. It was such a simple thing said on her behalf with no malice behind it (she doesn’t know about our struggle) but it cut me to the core. I looked up at my husband and I could see the look of sympathy in his face but it was difficult to just laugh it off and say ‘No, not me!’.

I came home and made the mistake of logging into Facebook without thinking and while having a quick scroll through 4 separate pregnancy announcements popped up. I instantly regretted my decision. While I am getting better at taking this news the tricky thing is 3 of them were friends announcing baby number 2 is on the way. I know it’s ridiculous to feel this way but I can’t help but think that’s a bit selfish having 2 children when some of us so desperately just want one! I had a little cry and moved on but I’m glad mothers day is over for another year.

I can only hope that by next Mother’s day we might have a little bun in the oven but I have learn’t not to put a time limit on these things as my body will not do anything it doesn’t want to until it is damn well ready! We are now 5 days post trigger shot so hoping I did actually ovulate late last week and can expect a period mid next week. I guess we will just have to wait and see. I did however celebrate my furbaby yesterday and his undeniable love for me. While he may not be a human baby he is a pretty awesome consolation prize. He really seems to know when I need to extra cuddles and that’s exactly what we did last night. I hope he is not my only baby but he will always be my first.

Some days are just plain hard.

So today marked day 32 of this current cycle meaning I should have got my period at least 4 days ago. Typical of my body it didn’t do what was expected and today I was back to the specialist to work out what’s going on.

He did a scan and found my lining is still very thin (measuring about 4.5mm) but found that I have one large, dominant follicle on my right side measuring 20mm. In theory this follicle should ovulate leading to a period 2 weeks later. Given it is taking it’s sweet time I have been advised to take a “trigger shot” of Pregnyl tonight to help this along and then we can try naturally over the next 48-72 hours. My chances of falling pregnant naturally are very slim given my thin lining but it’s still worth a try!?

All going well I should get a period in the next 2 weeks (hopefully it works this time) and we can get started on our next cycle. If not then I will go back to the specialist again and probably go back on the pill for a few weeks to induce a period. It’s crazy how you spend so much of your life seeing a period as an inconvenience and frustrating and yet when you want one it just won’t show up! Our specialist did reassure me that we are on the right track and there is no reason why we won’t get pregnant. We just have to keep trying until we get lucky.

I have had a few days recently where I have felt really down and struggled with how many people around me are falling pregnant with no problems. I went to a 30th birthday party over the weekend where 2 of my good friends had their little ones there – 9 weeks old and 11 weeks old and its hard not to feel left out when everyone is fussing over the bubs. Then another friend told me she is expecting her second child. She doesn’t know our story or I’m sure she wouldn’t have said it but apparently ‘it just happened without even really trying’.

It’s like a slap on the face hearing things like that and while I am really happy for her and she is a fantastic mum to her little girl I can’t help but thinking I so want to be in her shoes. We also have Mother’s Day coming up this Sunday which will be lovely to spend with my mum and mother-in-law but a piece of me can’t help thinking about all my friends celebrating their first Mother’s Day this year and I still can’t even fall pregnant. I have come to assume anyone I know is pregnant until proven otherwise as it makes it slightly easier to deal with when you hear of another pregnancy announcement.

As my specialist reassured me – our time will come. We just have to stay strong and keep working towards our dream. We need to remember there are good days and bad days. Some are just crazy hard and you just have to embrace them. let the tears out, and hope tomorrow will be a better one.

Limbo.

So I currently feel like we are stuck in no mans land. Playing the waiting game. After our FET was cancelled a couple of weeks ago I am now just waiting it out until I get my period and hopefully we can start our next stim cycle. In theory this should be in the next few days but I have learned to expect the unexpected with my body so who really knows.

I’m feeling a bit down and crappy which might be because my period is actually on its way but I also ended up with a UTI and the anti-biotics I’m taking are making me feel pretty miserable. I never feel great taking them but I would really like to hurry and and feel better please.

It’s particularly frustrating to be feeling crappy this week given we had such a wonderful relaxing weekend up in the mountains. My lovely group of girlfriends from Uni all put in for my birthday last year and bought us 2 nights accommodation in the Grampians, a beautiful mountain range in north west Victoria with incredible rock formations and views. It was so nice to feel human again, enjoying a glass of wine in front of the fire and hiking to see the best vantage points.  And while I adore my dog it was also nice to have some time with just my husband and I. Our dog is nearly 18 months old and still gets up very early in the mornings wanting to play so it was so lovely to have a sleep in and get up when we felt like it. It felt like the good old days when we were young and carefree and life was as busy or relaxing as we planned it. Not filled with medication schedules and doctors appointments.

I guess that’s why I’m feeling particularly low this week as it was a little reminder of what life used to be like and now I’m right back in the middle of feeling crappy and tired. I’m hoping next week will be a new week and I will be energized and ready to take on this process again. Fingers crossed I actually get a period in the next few days and we can get back on the roller coaster again. If not I guess this ‘limbo’ will last a little longer but I’m learning to just take what comes rather than trying to expect where we might be.

When you are the 1%, not in a good way.

So yesterday marked another confusing and frustrating day in this IVF journey. I had an appointment with my specialist yesterday afternoon to see where my lining was at and if we will be able to go ahead with a transfer next week. I had been on the highest dose of Progynova (Oestrogen) and yet my body was still not responding to it. Apparently 99% of women do and I am in the lucky 1% that doesn’t. Ultimately that means our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) cycle has been cancelled and I am no closer to being pregnant.

It doesn’t make you feel great when your specialist then phones the head of the IVF clinic to work out what to do next. I appreciate the fact he is trying to do everything he can to help me but you feel pretty shit knowing you are that unusual in your presentation, not even a fertility specialist knows how to help you. After some conversation between the ‘experts’ it was decided the best course of action is another full stimulation cycle. Yes that means another full cycle of injections and egg pick up etc,  with slightly different meds to what I have had before. This will not only potentially give us some more embryos to work with but also give us a greater chance of thickening my lining. Apparently Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) when used in conjunction with the Oestrogen patches will give us the best chance of a pregnancy. The specialist kindly offered to do the cycle at a cheaper rate given our situation and not being able to do a FET.

I really don’t know how to feel at this point. I had a cry and I think it was just out of frustration more than anything. It feels unfair that everyone around me seems to be falling pregnant so easily, plus celebrities announcing pregnancies every second day. Including Serena Williams yesterday, who somehow managed to win the Australian Open while pregnant and yet I’m taking all these drugs, doing everything right and my body still won’t come to the party. I feel thankful for the opportunity to do another stim cycle at a reduced cost as this will be a huge help, and thankful for the possibility to perhaps collect a few more eggs and hopefully embryos along the way. But all of these things still keep pushing back my dreams and knowing we have another Mothers Day coming up in May and we are still not pregnant just makes it all a bit harder to take.

18 months into this journey and I know many people have battled a lot longer than we have, but I could have had 2 full pregnancies in that time too! My mind constantly flips backwards and forwards between thankful we live in a time and place where IVF is available and we are fortunate enough to afford it. And so frustrated that we have to do it in the first place. I so wish we never had to be here and this blog never had to exist. If things went the way we had planned we should be holding our son or daughter by now. Even writing those words feels strange. All we get to think about at this stage is eggs and embryos.

The ride continues. I’m sure one day I will look back on this and be holding a son or daughter, explaining to them how much love and hard work bought them into the world. But for the moment I am sad and frustrated that they are still just a hope in their parent’s hearts.

Frozen Embryo Transfer.

So things have been travelling pretty slowly over the last week or two. Frustratingly slowly. I first saw to specialist on Monday the 10th of April to plan our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). I was prescribed Progynova to help thicken my lining and had to initially start on a low dose and slowly increase it during the cycle. We then had a review scan on Saturday morning (Easter Saturday) and my lining showed it was at 5mm thick. Still far too thin to consider a transfer –  we need to get it to 8mm. At this point the Progynova dosage was further increase to 6 tablets a day + the addition of an Estrogen patch which i have to change every 4 days. Then review again on the Tuesday after Easter.

It was nice to have a few days break over Easter to rest from work and spend some time with my Husband and dog. I also managed to paint our old 60’s fireplace to bring it into the 21st century which was nice. We also had a few days down at my parent’s place celebrating Easter and my Dad’s birthday with a day of sailing out on the bay. While there was no wind and we mainly motored around it was nice to feel the sun on my skin and not be thinking about IVF. It was nice to do something ‘normal’ that didn’t resolved around appointments and medications.

Yesterday morning I had a review with the specialist and kept my fingers crossed as I was getting changed for the Ultrasound that it would be good news. Sadly my body was still not really responding to the increased dose and my lining was still only 5.3mm. I felt very flat afterwards and have continued to do so since. I feel like my body is letting me down not only with this whole infertility battle but also with the fact it just doesn’t respond to the drugs the way many people do. So now I am up to 10 Progynova pills per day + 100mg of baby aspirin + the Estrogen patches. I have been pretty emotional today and I’m not sure if its the medications or just me struggling with this whole process. Everyone seems to be getting pregnant and having babies around me and it’s just not happening for us, even with all the help in the world. I’m torn between wanting to give my body a break after this round (assuming it won’t be successful) and wanting to dive straight into another full stim cycle to this process doesn’t keep dragging out any further.

Back to the specialist tomorrow and I’m really hoping we are finally seeing some improvements. I just need something to give me a little bit of hope that we might still get to be parents one day.