Day 1 again – Yay!

Woohoo! I never thought I’d be so excited for Aunt Flo to arrive! I have become so used to my body not responding to meds the way it’s expected to I had already assumed this cycle would be put off for a few more weeks with a change of medication before we could get started. But nope, this morning I got a little surprise that made my day. Never did I dream they day I go my period would be one to celebrate.

I will go into the clinic tomorrow to pick up my meds but from what I know this cycle will be different again with a slightly different protocol and we can only hope my body is happy with this change. At this point I am excited to get started but I know in a couple of weeks things will be tough and I probably won’t be so thrilled but that’s the joys of IVF. My husband and I are both in a good place mentally at the moment and we have a nice little weekend away planned for this coming weekend which couldn’t be better timing. I’m planning to go home this afternoon and do a massive cook up with lots of yummy, nutritious foods to keep me going when things get tough.

I was not expecting to get started so soon and as such have not told any family or friends where we are at. I think I would like to keep it that way for the moment and will just monitor how we feel about things as we go through. At least I know I have a great support base around me and people I can call on – no questions asked, if there is anything we need. I plan to take things pretty easy over the next month, enjoy walks in the sunshine with my pup and eat lots of yummy vitamin rich food. I will keep up my regular pilates and acupuncture but will likely go a bit quiet on the social side. Time to sit back, relax and go with the flow as things are now handed over to my specialists and I just do exactly what they tell me to. Keep your fingers crossed for me that it will be a smooth journey this time around.

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Celebrating Mums when you so desperately want to be one.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and it was one of those really bitter sweet days. While I love my mum to pieces and it was so lovely to shower her with the love she deserves, it’s another reminder of something you so desperately want but just can’t seem to grab hold of.

We started the day with the Mother’s Day Classic, a 4km walk around Melbourne’s gardens to help raise money for breast cancer research and celebrate our beautiful Mums. My mother-in-law is one of the lucky ones who managed to beat breast cancer so it’s a special day for her to help acknowledge the help and support she received and to remember those who were unable to fight off the big C. It was a glorious morning with the sun shining and while it was a cool 6 degrees Celsius I was warmed by the love around me in the crowd. I was lucky enough to walk alongside my husband, my mum and dad, my mother-in-law and her husband and 2 of my sisters-in-law and one of their husbands. It was a beautiful positive start to the day. When then had breakfast out with my parents and enjoyed a great catch up over yummy food.

I had decided on a social media ban for the day knowing seeing many of my friends sharing photos of their first mother’s days would be difficult for me. I broke the ban to quickly post a few pictures from our walk in the morning and then logged out again. I did however receive a beautiful message from one of my mum’s friends (practically an aunt to me) saying she was thinking of me which was so kind of her. She had her own struggle to fall pregnant over 30 years ago and knows how hard these moments are. It was a really sweet gesture.

In the afternoon we headed to my sister-in-law’s new house to celebrate with all of my husband’s extended family. It was a little awkward when his grandma came around with little posy’s of flowers for all the mums and came up to me and said ‘Oops! Your not a mum are you!’. It was such a simple thing said on her behalf with no malice behind it (she doesn’t know about our struggle) but it cut me to the core. I looked up at my husband and I could see the look of sympathy in his face but it was difficult to just laugh it off and say ‘No, not me!’.

I came home and made the mistake of logging into Facebook without thinking and while having a quick scroll through 4 separate pregnancy announcements popped up. I instantly regretted my decision. While I am getting better at taking this news the tricky thing is 3 of them were friends announcing baby number 2 is on the way. I know it’s ridiculous to feel this way but I can’t help but think that’s a bit selfish having 2 children when some of us so desperately just want one! I had a little cry and moved on but I’m glad mothers day is over for another year.

I can only hope that by next Mother’s day we might have a little bun in the oven but I have learn’t not to put a time limit on these things as my body will not do anything it doesn’t want to until it is damn well ready! We are now 5 days post trigger shot so hoping I did actually ovulate late last week and can expect a period mid next week. I guess we will just have to wait and see. I did however celebrate my furbaby yesterday and his undeniable love for me. While he may not be a human baby he is a pretty awesome consolation prize. He really seems to know when I need to extra cuddles and that’s exactly what we did last night. I hope he is not my only baby but he will always be my first.

Some days are just plain hard.

So today marked day 32 of this current cycle meaning I should have got my period at least 4 days ago. Typical of my body it didn’t do what was expected and today I was back to the specialist to work out what’s going on.

He did a scan and found my lining is still very thin (measuring about 4.5mm) but found that I have one large, dominant follicle on my right side measuring 20mm. In theory this follicle should ovulate leading to a period 2 weeks later. Given it is taking it’s sweet time I have been advised to take a “trigger shot” of Pregnyl tonight to help this along and then we can try naturally over the next 48-72 hours. My chances of falling pregnant naturally are very slim given my thin lining but it’s still worth a try!?

All going well I should get a period in the next 2 weeks (hopefully it works this time) and we can get started on our next cycle. If not then I will go back to the specialist again and probably go back on the pill for a few weeks to induce a period. It’s crazy how you spend so much of your life seeing a period as an inconvenience and frustrating and yet when you want one it just won’t show up! Our specialist did reassure me that we are on the right track and there is no reason why we won’t get pregnant. We just have to keep trying until we get lucky.

I have had a few days recently where I have felt really down and struggled with how many people around me are falling pregnant with no problems. I went to a 30th birthday party over the weekend where 2 of my good friends had their little ones there – 9 weeks old and 11 weeks old and its hard not to feel left out when everyone is fussing over the bubs. Then another friend told me she is expecting her second child. She doesn’t know our story or I’m sure she wouldn’t have said it but apparently ‘it just happened without even really trying’.

It’s like a slap on the face hearing things like that and while I am really happy for her and she is a fantastic mum to her little girl I can’t help but thinking I so want to be in her shoes. We also have Mother’s Day coming up this Sunday which will be lovely to spend with my mum and mother-in-law but a piece of me can’t help thinking about all my friends celebrating their first Mother’s Day this year and I still can’t even fall pregnant. I have come to assume anyone I know is pregnant until proven otherwise as it makes it slightly easier to deal with when you hear of another pregnancy announcement.

As my specialist reassured me – our time will come. We just have to stay strong and keep working towards our dream. We need to remember there are good days and bad days. Some are just crazy hard and you just have to embrace them. let the tears out, and hope tomorrow will be a better one.

Limbo.

So I currently feel like we are stuck in no mans land. Playing the waiting game. After our FET was cancelled a couple of weeks ago I am now just waiting it out until I get my period and hopefully we can start our next stim cycle. In theory this should be in the next few days but I have learned to expect the unexpected with my body so who really knows.

I’m feeling a bit down and crappy which might be because my period is actually on its way but I also ended up with a UTI and the anti-biotics I’m taking are making me feel pretty miserable. I never feel great taking them but I would really like to hurry and and feel better please.

It’s particularly frustrating to be feeling crappy this week given we had such a wonderful relaxing weekend up in the mountains. My lovely group of girlfriends from Uni all put in for my birthday last year and bought us 2 nights accommodation in the Grampians, a beautiful mountain range in north west Victoria with incredible rock formations and views. It was so nice to feel human again, enjoying a glass of wine in front of the fire and hiking to see the best vantage points. ¬†And while I adore my dog it was also nice to have some time with just my husband and I. Our dog is nearly 18 months old and still gets up very early in the mornings wanting to play so it was so lovely to have a sleep in and get up when we felt like it. It felt like the good old days when we were young and carefree and life was as busy or relaxing as we planned it. Not filled with medication schedules and doctors appointments.

I guess that’s why I’m feeling particularly low this week as it was a little reminder of what life used to be like and now I’m right back in the middle of feeling crappy and tired. I’m hoping next week will be a new week and I will be energized and ready to take on this process again. Fingers crossed I actually get a period in the next few days and we can get back on the roller coaster again. If not I guess this ‘limbo’ will last a little longer but I’m learning to just take what comes rather than trying to expect where we might be.