Yesterday we had a phone call from my husband’s sister asking if her and her husband could drop by in the afternoon. I instantly knew they had baby news to tell us. I knew they were trying and we knew about her miscarriage about 4 months ago so I knew it would be coming sooner or later. It was wonderful news for them and they are both clearly very excited. We are excited for them and also happy to know we will become an Aunt and Uncle for the first time. I still found it difficult to swallow however that it can just happen so easily for some people. Wonderful for them but makes it so much harder when you have been fighting it for years and still no closer.
They started trying for a baby in March this year and she fell pregnant the second month of trying. Just like that. Unfortunately this pregnancy ended in miscarriage which I have no doubt was very tough. She was 5 weeks along and just got her head around being pregnant before it was gone. We learned yesterday that literally a month later she was pregnant again and is now 11 weeks along. I feel bad for not feeling totally 100% over the moon excited for her but I also can’t help but feel jealous of her fertility and easy ability to fall pregnant. We have been trying for 2 years with all the help in the world and we are still on this never ending roller coaster.
I feel bad for my husband, like I have let him down. I know being the eldest child he was excited to give his parents the first grandchild. To be able to go to them and say “You are going to be grandparents!”. But that opportunity has now passed and it will simply have to be “you are going to have another grandchild!”. One day. When our turn comes. He says he is ok and it’s not a big deal but I know he is simply trying to shield me from him disappointment. While he too is genuinely happy for his sister it was a bitter sweet moment for us both. Another reminder of what we both so desperately want but yet can’t seem to have.
I can only hope our turn is just around the corner. If we only have one child, which is a high likelihood, then it would be so lovely for that child to be close in age to a cousin. We just have to keep our heads down and keep tracking along in this process. 2018 is going to be a big year for our family. We just hope we can share in the excitement too. x