So it has now been about 2 and a half weeks since the news our cycle had failed. I’ll be honest that it has been a really hard time and I have struggled more this time around than previous failed cycles. I think the longer this whole process goes on the tougher it is mentally and emotionally. You can cope with anything difficult for a short period of time but when the difficult stuff keeps dragging out and there is no end in sight it’s a real battle.
In the last few weeks I have really battled with my emotions. While feeling physically OK and thankful to not be taking buckets of drugs every day I have struggled more mentally than I have before. I had a period of a few days where I felt completely hopeless and like a total failure. I felt like there was nothing I could do right and that my body was letting me down. I felt so angry at the world and all the happy people going about their life complaining about simple little things when I had real issues going on. I was angry that there is no simple solution to our problem and no magic way to make me pregnant. I just wanted to go to bed and wake up when this period of our lives is over.
I was not a nice person to be around and I feel sorry for my poor husband. He has been amazing through the whole process but I resented the fact that he didn’t have to take all the horrible medications, endure the painful procedures and then feel like a failure at the end of it. I resented the fact that his body is working the way it should and yet mine isn’t. I also felt guilty and like I am letting him down. If he was married to anyone else he would already be a Dad and I feel like I’m holding him back.
I’ve learnt that a part of this process is feeling shitty sometimes. As long as the shitty feelings pass and you can be honest with those closest to you about how you are feeling then the days will get better. I am still sad and I am still disappointed. You can’t just make those feelings go away when you have invested so much energy and hope into something and then it doesn’t work. I have sat down and spent many hours talking and crying with both my Mum and my husband and I am feeling much better. I have learnt that you can’t just keep pretending you are OK and you need to let the emotions out. It’s not good to keep it all bottled up inside.
For the next few weeks I am trying to keep myself busy with re-decorating our bedroom at home and I am excited to see it coming together. We then have a 2 week holiday in the sunshine booked in 4 weeks time and I hope by the end of that I will be ready to take on another cycle. We are seeing our specialist next week to discuss the next step so we can be ready when we return from our holiday. So at this point in time I am OK. I’m not great, but I am in a much better place than I was a week ago. I have amazing support around me and I just need to open myself up to it. This blog has been my outlet at times but that’s not always enough. A good hug from your significant other as you cry into their shoulder is sometimes the best medicine. Oh, and chocolate. Chocolate is always a good idea.