The last week has been hard. Really hard. Hard to stay motivated and positive. Hard to get through each day at work. Hard to pick myself back up again after another failed cycle. But it has also been very hard on those around me. I dare say I have not been easy to live with and I have struggled to keep my emotions in check around those that I care about the most.
I work in a job where I am face to face, one on one with patients all day. I am expected to be happy, helpful and on the ball to help people solve their foot problems. That is hard work having that expectation at the best of times. It becomes a whole lot harder to stay positive and happy when you are feeling terrible and like a failure. When you just want to burst into tears and yell that life is not fair. When you have to listen to people complaining about trivial little things in their life, like having to fly economy to Europe, like its the worst thing that could happen to them. When inside you are screaming ‘FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS PEOPLE!’, try battling IVF!
I have become very good a putting on my ‘happy facade’ at work and ‘soldiering on’. Pretending everything is ok and that life is great. The difficult thing about this is it takes up a huge amount of energy, which is not sustainable all the time. It means when I come home I am likely to crack and the tears start running down my face when I walk in the door. It means I snap at my husband even though he has been amazing and I am short with my parents when they are only trying to help. Yesterday I sat on a friends couch and cried my eyes out at how terrible I feel and the unfairness of our situation when my beautiful friend would so love to just have a supportive husband (she’s single) let alone be ready to have a baby.
So this short post is dedicated to those who are the unwavering support to someone going through infertility and IVF. It’s a rough road for them too. I know I have been a terrible wife, daughter and friend over the last few months and I feel bad that these people deserve the best of me, not the worst of me. I am so lucky to have them in my life and things would be so much harder if it wasn’t for them. So to those supporting someone through this process – you are loved and you are very much appreciated. We may not have the energy or the head space to show it but we still care about you so much. Hopefully when our turn comes to get off the roller coaster you will get your wife, daughter and friend back, plus a little bonus in the form of a child who will love you as unconditionally as their mum does.