And just like that, its all over again.

So I started doing HPTs (home pregnancy tests) last Wednesday, the day after my last Pregnyl shot, so that I could track how long it took for the HCG to leave my body. While the good news is I now know it takes exactly 5 days to be gone, I also know this cycle has failed. If I were in fact pregnant it should have started showing on a HPT by Saturday or Sunday. By this morning, still nothing. I knew in my gut it wasn’t going to work but that small piece of you can’t help hoping you are wrong.

I rang the nurses at my clinic this morning to ask if I could do the blood test earlier and they said that was fine. At least I can get confirmation sooner so I can stop taking meds and start feeling like myself again. I should get the results tomorrow morning but I know exactly what it’s going to say.

To say I’m shattered is an understatement. I was really sad yesterday, knowing it was all over, but I think I still managed to hold it together reasonably well. Today is a different story though. Today I woke up angry. Angry of the unfairness of this whole situation that everyone seems to be announcing pregnancies and having babies around me. Angry that we are still stuck on this stupid roller coaster of investing time and money and experiencing pain and heartache and still not being any closer to our dreams. Today I am also angry with my husband for wanting me to take a break. I understand where he is coming from and I know taking a break seems like a good idea but for me it just feels like I’m getting further away from being a mum. At least if I am doing IVF I feel like I am doing something to help our situation. Sitting back and waiting is not going to get me pregnant.

Mentally he thinks the break will be good for me to take my mind off it and I understand he probably needs a break from the monster that his wife turns into during IVF. For me though, there is no switching off. There is no just ‘not thinking about it’ for a little while. I have constant daily reminders of the lack of child in my belly and my life. Waiting only sounds even harder. It’s like delaying the inevitable, I don’t really see the point.

I am getting good at putting on a mask and pretending I’m fine and yet inside I just want to scream at the world and for someone to ‘fix me’ so I can get pregnant. I feel like my body has let me down and that I’m letting my husband down. I feel like life keeps playing cruel tricks on me and I just want to go to bed and wake up when this period of my life is over. I’m sick of the worry, of the feeling like crap, of the daily injections and forever popping pills. I just want to be a normal person who just ‘gets pregnant’ and can then move onto the next stage of life.

Nearly 2 years of this battle and my patience is wearing thin. I’m done with waiting to be a parent. I just want it to happen already.

I’m hoping that little rant will make me feel a bit better. Sometimes getting the words on a page rather than stuck in my head is the best thing of all. There is nothing anyone can say or do that will change how I feel at the moment, but I just have to trust this feeling won’t last.

I have made an appointment to see my specialist in 3 weeks time with the hope of planning our next step. Whether that be trying sooner or later I don’t know but I at least want to plan the cycle. There is no way I’m ready to give up on this dream yet. I have fought too hard already to not have it become a reality.

 

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